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I dreamed about a cat I had as a kid today. I wasn’t very nice to him. I didn’t know how to take care of him and I abused him. I scared him and made him feel trapped and I probably hit him or threw him at times too. Needless to say he didn’t like me very much but in the dream he came up to me and rubbed against my legs. He let me hold him in a way he never did in real life.
He died a very long time ago, years after I moved out, but it was nice to believe even in a dream that there was a place where all things could be made right.
I try not to think about the things I did to other people in that house. It was so horrible, so mindlessly cruel. I need it to be remembered. I need it to be spoken.
I was a victim and I was an abuser too.
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If we have nothing else we have still the certainties of time, death, and gravity.
Today will end and never again will we be forced to live through it.
We will fall to our knees but not out into space; and that’s too bad really.
Someday, tomorrow or years from now how to live this life will no longer matter. All things end and that’s a mercy.
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Sometimes you can’t hope, it just hurts too much. So just keep moving forward, through this moment, towards something or nothing. You don’t have to imagine the future. Good or bad, it will happen regardless, and this one moment will someday end.
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You know how people say abuse victims classify everyone as a savior, victim, or villain? I do that with other people but also with myself only I can never really decide which one I am. It changes day to day.
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I feel so ashamed right now for still struggling with what I went through because everyone else has moved on. The more I look at myself the more I realize how much is wrong with me and it’s going to take a really long time to ever fix myself.
Why am I always the weakest of us all? Why am I the one who can’t stop dragging this shit up over and over again? Why can’t I just move on?
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Toxic positivity and false optimism were tools my father used against me for years. He made me wish I was dead, or that he was dead, or both and then he’d say things like “Life is good!” or “Don’t worry, be happy!” or “Smile!” like he was mocking me.
I think sometimes he says those things to convince himself that he’s happy when he isn’t but all I ever think of when he says it is myself wanting to die and him still telling me “Hey, Sunshine, smile, life is good!”
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It’s important to find time to cry. That’s what I did today. That’s my grand achievement. But I never have time to cry anymore. There’s no time just to feel things without explaining it to anyone. Crying is obscene and humiliating and private so I don’t do it if I can help it and then I feel ashamed.
Today I’m alone and I don’t have to pretend to smile. I can cry and it won’t hurt anyone.
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If this year has taught me anything it’s that I’m a real piece of shit. I’m still kind of hoping that I could be less of a piece of shit but I don’t really know how. So I guess I’m doing this therapy thing now.
I’m at the point where doctors doing shitty abusive stuff to me matters less to me than all the potential outcomes where I don’t see a doctor. Breaking the cycle of abuse is about a lot more than leaving, or not having kids.
I think my parents really could have been better happier people if only they’d tried. So I’m trying and if I can’t do better than this then fine, I can go ahead and take myself out of the equation permanently. I don’t want to be the person I am anymore. I don’t want to feel broken and in pain all the time. I don’t want to be angry and on the verge of starting shit with someone all the time.
I don’t know how to do that myself. I don’t know what a normal healthy person is supposed to look like so I need to find someone who does. One way or another this is going to end. I refuse to live like this anymore.
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Seeing as real therapy won’t be here for a while yet and I’m really not okay at all I thought I’d start posting here again. Hi, all. Hope you’re alive and well but if you’re not that’s okay too.
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"Nobody wants to do it- not real change, not soul change, not the painful molecular change required to truly become who you need to be. Nobody ever does real transformation for fun. Nobody ever does it on a dare. You do it only when your back is so far against the wall that you have no choice anymore."